What it is like to be bisexual?
For several years now I have been dealing with my sexuality and thinking about what I actually want and only for about a year now I have been able to say it openly – I am bisexual.
I am attracted to both men and women. I find both sexes sexually attractive and I can also imagine a relationship with both – bisexual. I used to think I was heterosexual because I always found men attractive. There was never any doubt for me, so I did not question my sexuality for a long time. The fact that I don’t just like men, however, has crystallized only slowly and bit by bit over the years.
I like to draw naked women
It all started with an aesthetic interest in the female body. I enjoy drawing very much in my spare time – when I get to it. But to this day I have mainly been interested in women’s bodies as a motif. I already started to draw women passionately during my time at grammar school. I paint them in the most different aesthetic and sometimes also erotic poses – mostly rather naked. I have always found it much easier to draw women’s bodies more sensually and beautifully. At that time, however, I thought that my interest in them was limited to their aesthetic value. But it wasn’t like that.
Be her or date her?
I also often looked at women and thought that I would find them very attractive and date them “if I were a boy” – totally stupid. It’s normal to find the same sex good-looking even as a hetero, but in a neutral way. That’s probably why I never thought much of it. Admittedly, I still sometimes have problems finding out how I find a woman attractive when I see her. All a la “do I want to date her or do I want to be her? #tricky
I kissed a girl, and I liked it!
So for about two to three years now I’ve been playing with the idea: “Do I like women? It was really difficult for me to answer this question, because I didn’t know any lesbian or bisexual women at that time and only wanted to get rid of such an important question of self-discovery when I was really sure. There was no shortage of fantasies and women whom I thought “I would love to have something with”, but unfortunately there were real candidates for an “attempt”. Sometime it was then however so far.
I met a bisexual girl, went on a date with her, we kissed and – BAM! There was the confirmation I needed. I got the same tingling sensation I felt when I kissed a guy I found attractive.
Where did all the queer girls go?
There I was. 18 years old, freshly discovered bisexual and the most basic problem still unsolved – I don’t know any queer women! Thank God I found approval in my circle of friends and was able to talk about it with a friend who also identifies herself as bisexual. But since we both hardly knew any bisexual/lesbian people, it didn’t get any easier.
- We had even planned to go to a gay bar, but suspected mainly male queer audiences and therefore let it go for now.
- But then my homosexual friends all gave me the same tip: flirt apps. Tinder should help!
- I actually didn’t find the idea so bad and I heard again and again from other people with different references that downloading Tinder wasn’t a waste of time.
So I went to the Google Play Store, typed this innocent word into the search ad and signed up. I chose to be interested in both women and men and the flirting started. Unfortunately, most of my matches had a penis rather than breasts. That wasn’t because I was only interested in men, on the contrary! But 30 men were followed by a woman in the ads with luck and she had to be sympathetic to me first of all – I am very choosy, for both sexes. Nevertheless I found some women I liked and clicked like. It was just stupid that I only got four matches with the women and only two of them were really looking for a conversation. As a reason for this, I was soon told that I probably look “too hetero” in my photos, whatever that means.
Well, worth a try I guess.
The question of all questions for some is determined, how did my environment react to it? Well, I can’t say for sure. I didn’t post it all of a sudden on Facebook and Co after I was sure that I identified myself with bisexuality. I didn’t address it to anyone either, it didn’t really seem necessary to me. If the subject came up in any way with friends, I said directly that I am bisexual, but otherwise I did not address it. So at the moment some people know about it and some don’t. Basically it’s not important, because that has no influence on my existing friendships – I hope. Also with my family I did not address it directly, perhaps some have a hunch, perhaps also not. As I said, it is not really important.
But whenever I get to know new people since my personal outing and this topic somehow comes up, I say quite clearly that I like both men and women. Honestly, I felt more comfortable every time I said it out loud to someone. It was as if I was finally standing to a part of myself – as kitschy as it sounds. But unfortunately the reactions of my counterparts to my revelation were not always so intoxicating.
“Did you already have “sex” with a woman?
With the women it doesn’t work so well at the moment, which is a pity, but you can’t do anything. But just because I don’t meet any women at the moment doesn’t mean that I’m “hetero again” for a while now. Within this one year, in which I have already openly said that I am bisexual, I have already heard some shit from people who probably disagree.
Once someone asked me if I already had “sex” with a woman. What are the quotes for, please? Is sex between two women not “real sex”? I am of a different opinion! Subsequently I denied and said that I had only had sex with men and not yet with women. His statement was then: “Then how can you say that you are bisexual? That is, before you had sex, you can’t know what sexuality you had? So don’t 13-year-old teenage girls, who hang six-pack photos of some celebrities in their rooms and dreamily scribble Susi Pitt into their diary, know that they maybe like guys? Maybe I am the only one who sees it that way, but in my opinion you can find out with which sex you would like to have sex even before that! But there were sometimes much more questionable statements from people.
If you are bi, you can be a slut
What I also found slightly questionable was the testimony of a guy I used to have sex with. “If I had a partner and she was having sex with a woman, it wouldn’t be as bad as if she was having sex with another guy. I’ve heard that so many times before and I still don’t understand it. In both cases you get cheated by your partner, sleep with someone else and the trust is gone – so why is one “not as bad” as the other?
But I was particularly excited by a type of Tinder who read in my profile that I am bisexual and actually thought that this was the most exciting of all my information on my profile. What does that mean? I don’t find it most interesting about other people that they are heterosexual. I rather take that as an insult.
In another conversation where my sexuality came up, my counterpart said, “Pooh, my fantasy is going to go away with me.”. To my question why, he answers: “Well then you will probably often have threesomes”. Unfortunately I have to disappoint you. I never had a threesome before and to be bisexual is also not to be equated with “has many threesomes”. That is complete nonsense.
Finally, I would like to say that bisexual people are not “too gay” for the heteros and “too hetero” for the queer community. We are perfect people who stand for themselves and are not halves of something whole. Bisexuality is an inclination, not a phase, not a myth, not a placeholder for something. I even see my sexuality as an advantage – no, not because I now have “more to choose from”. It has helped me to change my view of myself. I have developed a whole new self-confidence and feel much more comfortable in my skin. In this one year I also learned to appreciate my own body much more, because I started openly to appreciate the bodies of other women. Finding not only men but also women attractive has helped me to find myself more attractive. In general, I just feel much better how I am now and how I identify myself now. Which doesn’t mean that I wasn’t complete before my sexual revelation (haha). I am now no more or less than I was before. That’s why it annoys me when some people reduce me to my bisexuality, like Mister “That’s the most exciting thing about you”.
It’s just a sexual preference – deal with it.